Hai!

Can haz cheezburgz?

I Just Want You to Know

I love you.
I trust you.
I believe in you.
I listen to you.
I love talking to you.
I think you're beautiful inside and out.
I love Gwen.
I am your friend.
I genuinely care about you.
I am amazed by you.
I feel comfortable with you.
I will always give you space and time when you need it.
I know you feel the same.

You make me laugh.
You make me smile.
You make me feel wanted.
You listen to me.
You care about me.
You trust me.
You think I'm beautiful just the way I am.
You build me up.
You inspire me.
You make me happy.
You give me space and time when I need it.
You are my friend.
You love me.

Schizo

The blades of grass are wet with rain,
In the graveyard of the criminally insane.

The water seeps through soil and oak,
To touch the dead flesh of those slumbering below.

Awakened by a desperate thirst,
They drink in new life, as through the ground they burst.

Slimy skin so wrinkled and white,
With shrill screams of pain they writhe into the night.

The sleeping world knows not what waits,
To gnaw on their bones, just outside the town gates.

Heh.

Bog House

So freaking cool! Wish I lived there.

Wait and Hope

"There is neither happiness nor unhappiness in this world; there is only the comparison of one state with another. Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss. It is necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live. The sum of all human wisdom will be contained in these two words: Wait and Hope."

- Alexander Dumas

EYE

HEART YOU!

Curve Ball

It's funny the way life works. You expect one thing to happen and the complete opposite does. You counsel yourself and alter your entire way of thinking in order to just be okay for a while after a sudden life change, involving your entire routine being thrown out of whack. You get the support of family and friends. Gather them together and surround yourself with them. You tell them how you feel, your version of the story, and get them all on your side. Prepare yourself to live out the rest of your life alone. But, just as soon as you begin to feel that you've come to terms with it, and that you'll just have to be okay, life throws a curve ball at you. The very thing you thought you'd lost forever, comes back into your life. You are suddenly hurled into a position where you have to make a crucial decision. Listen to your mind or to your heart? Depending on what you choose, you'll then purposefully unlearn everything that you recently have, and undo all of the progress you have made in healing. The scariest part is the prospect that someday, it may all fall apart again. And then what? You'll be right back to square one, and will have to go through the same pain and heartache and feeling of emptiness all over again. You'll be forced start the same arduous process of healing again. Why torture yourself by allowing history to repeat itself time and time again? Wouldn't it be better just to go through all of that only once? I'm not so sure. The thing is, it's too hard to let go of the hope that starting over again just this once more, will be the last, and that nothing will go wrong this time. You tell yourself every time it happens that things will be different this time, in a good way, and that it will flawlessly last forever. And maybe it will, but who is to say? The hardest issue to deal with, after reinitiating that which was seemingly lost forever, is that now, all of your friends and family are on your side, and are wholeheartedly against the second party, even though you have now changed your mind. How can you tell them that everything they've said, all the advice they gave you, was for nothing; that you didn't listen to them at all, and that you purposefully went against all that they insisted upon? It makes you not only look like a fool to the people you love and value most in life, but it makes you seem cruel as well; as though they are not important to you. You may even end up breaking their hearts. They feel that they know what is best for you, and they won't let you forget all that you said when you were angry and needed a shoulder to cry on. It's hard to tell them that you're doing something that they feel is a destructive behavior, when they have your best interests at heart. Maybe in a case like this, it is best to leave them in the dark until long after the initial shock of the bad news fades. And if they end up being right after all, and it all does eventually fall apart again, then at least you didn't take them along with you on the roller coaster ride, and have in turn, spared them some of your pain. Healing is a delicate process which may be interrupted for better or for worse, but all we can do is look to the sky and pray that life will surprise us pleasantly with an unexpected turn. I feel like the people we really care about deserve chances; as many as we can possibly stand to hand out. And even though we may be setting ourselves up for epic heartache with every one we give, I feel that the possibility for success is worth it. Life is hard; we live and learn, or in some cases, unlearn. Do what feels intuitively right.

Verisimilitude

I can't fall asleep without first imagining you wrapping your arms around me, and kissing my lips.
There is no cringing.
Your heart is beating for me.
Imagination fades into dream.
We lay wrapped up together for a while, talking about the world, in total agreement with each others viewpoints.
You ask me if I would marry you.
I say, "of course", and start to cry.
Then I wake up, tears pouring from my eyes.
You aren't there.
You never were.
None of this was ever real.
I will never be able to let myself admit it.

Magicalness

No Turning Back

"I am at the crossroads between waking and dream. One path leads back to the world I left behind. The other path... The other path leads to a place of shadows. Between the familiar and the unknown, between certainty and doubt, my choice would seem obvious. Any sane man would turn around, return to the world he knows, forget what he has learned, and live his life in blissful ignorance. But in truth, it is too late. My choice was made many years ago, when I first embarked on this journey. I cannot turn back. I am at a crossroads, but for me there is only one path."

-Brian Westhouse, Dreamfall: The Longest Journey

Where Did You Go?

And I,

I have never known love.

Happy Anniversay!

Inspiration

I Know How to Pick'em

You know what? I'm feeling strong. If what I think is about to happen really is about to happen.....AGAIN?!! Bring it on. I don't care anymore. I'm not going to set myself up to get hurt ever again, especially by you. Sometimes I think it's that you just can't get enough of hurting me; making me feel bad about myself. If you don't really love me or care about me, then I'm not going to give one shit about you, or miss you ANYMORE. I'm done being a pathetic love struck little girl who just needs you oh so much that it hurts. From this point on, I don't have time for people who don't have time for me. It's ridiculous for me to waste my life on some bipolar, asshole guy who says "FUCK YOU, I'm busy working" when I accidentally text him at work. (And no, I'm not kidding, he actually did say that.) I don't need someone in my life who is going to be constantly brushing me off and saying "OKAY?" when I am making friendly conversation with them. If I annoy you that much, why the fuck do you keep coming back to me? Just leave me the hell alone and let me move on and heal and get over you. Don't keep coming back and reopening my wounds. I will never ever heal if you keep doing that. You know very well that we'll never make it, because you won't fucking try. So just stay away from me this time, I DO NOT want you anymore. YOU need to grow up. YOU are the one who lacks the maturity and the stability necessary to maintain a healthy relationship.

I've a Feeling

Something bad is about to happen.

Scar

I don't like my left hand. I try not to look at it. On one of the fingers is a little scar that holds a big memory. It's the middle finger. How fitting. I got it from doing the dishes. Simple enough. I was washing a smooth glass and wasn't wearing gloves. The slippery detergent coating my fingers caused it to shoot right out of my hands. I tried to catch it but it was too late. It bounced around in the sink, shattered, and a jagged shard sliced the back of my finger wide open. It was just a little cut, but it was so deep. It wouldn't stop bleeding. I wrapped a paper towel around it and ran downstairs to find him. He was watching wrestling, as usual. When I told him what happened and tried to show him, he brushed me aside like an annoying mosquito and told me I was fine. Quieted me so he could direct his attention back to his show. Fine. Okay. It was just a little cut. But just like the first, it wouldn't stop bleeding. I ran back up to the first floor and then the second, and into my little room his mom had made for me out of the office by the bathroom. I sat on my mattress and stared at my finger for a long time. He was supposed to do the dishes. That was his chore. I thought I'd be nice that evening and do it for him so his mom wouldn't bitch the entire night at him for forgetting....again. He never mentioned it.

Ten months later. We stand in the Pizza Hut parking lot in front of the hotel where we met almost every weekend. Where I let him have his way with me, even when I didn't want it at all. He didn't care. I asked him where the condoms were going. Why there were only a few left in the full box we had just bought two weeks ago. He told me he suspected his cousin was stealing them and that he had been wondering the same thing for a week now. I asked him why he felt the need to keep tabs on the number of condoms in the box in the first place. He said because his cousin is just sneaky like that and he figured it was something he would do, so he checked the box. I told him I thought it was time for him to go now. He told me I was crazy and that I should trust him. That we had been together for almost two years now, after all. Later that week, his cousin called me. He told me it was only fair to let me know that he'd seen him with another girl. Heard them having sex upstairs and saw them leaving the house together. I broke up with him the next day. Bastard. I hate having to carry his memory around on my hand, but at least it's appropriately located, right where he deserves to be. Middle finger, motherfucker.

Self Diagnosis: Paranoia

So much of what I've learned over the past several years has been related to freeing myself from the bubble that I used to live in for the better portion of my young life. Until college, I had never really socialized with anyone. Just the thought of being noticed, much less speaking to anyone absolutely terrified me. Being alone in my room was my religion; my sanctuary. I was my only friend and I only knew how to exist inside of myself. Inside of my own head. I never took the time to leave that space to explore my peers or the adults in my life. And because of that, I missed so many opportunities to gain insight into the human condition, which would have helped me understand what I'm beginning to see now. That people are really not all that strange and terrifying. That we're really not all that different. I think that was what used to scare me so much about others. The thought that all they were capable of doing was judging. Specifically, judging me. That they were all above me and that I was inferior. I used to think that no one else in the world thought or felt or looked the way I do. I thought I was the only one with profound, debilitating insecurities. But I was wrong. They were all basically just the same as me, I just had a much more difficult time projecting the confidence needed to get by.

However, it was to the point, nearing the end of my high school career, that if anyone was to so much as look at me for more than a second I would have a panic attack, turn red and sink deeply into myself. My head would spin as I would try to guess what they were thinking about me. I felt that if I concentrated hard enough on disappearing, I just might. And I would have been fine with that. I always wanted to. Sometimes I got so shy and embarrassed, for example if I was being forced to speak in front of the class, I would almost black out. It would become difficult to breathe and little spots would appear in front of my eyes. It was a scary time for me. Later, with the addition of my stomach issues, it was almost unbearable to sit in those cramped little desks, surrounded by people who thought I was weird. The panic attacks would get so bad that sometimes I really thought I was going to die. I felt trapped, like there was no escape. And there really wasn't any. No where to go but to the bathroom, and I couldn't stay there forever.

School was torture. It wasn't that I didn't like who I was, (who I really was) because I knew who I was very well, having spent so much time inside myself. But I despised the person that I knew others saw when they looked at me. I looked and talked and was outwardly very different from the person I was on the inside. And there was nothing I could do to change it, no matter how hard I tried. I thought I was an undesirable person. I had never had a boyfriend. I thought everyone hated me. Although, now I know that it wasn't that they hated me, it was that I emanated self-hatred, and it was simply scaring everyone away. No one wants to be around a sullen, angry person. If I had just opened up and been who I really was inside, instead of bottling it up, people probably would have reached out to me more than they did. I might have actually made some friends. Maybe even a boyfriend. By pulling away and being so shy and introverted I was actually hurting myself by making it even harder for me to coexist with others.

My recovery process began in college. There, I was thrown into a sea of people from which there was no escape. There was no safe place to hide. No bell that freed me every afternoon at 2:47pm so I could run home to be alone. No private bedroom to sleep in. There was always someone around, and so I was forced to practice my social skills, lest I repeat my highschool nightmare all over again, which was the last thing I wanted. I tried as hard as I could to seem friendly and open and sure of myself, even though I was dying inside. All I wanted was to be alone with my computer games where no one could look at me and judge me. I wouldn't have survived college if I hadn't pretended to just be okay. I had to act like everything was fine and that I loved who I was on the outside.

Suprisingly quickly, I was accepted into a group of people, who were very different from me. I had absolutely nothing in common with them, but I acted like I did. I faked it. I guess I can turn out a pretty convincing performance because it honestly seemed like they bought it. I became someone that I was not and kept up the act for a long time. And although I was living a lie, at least I was communicating and interacting with human beings (that weren't my parents). I even got a boyfriend out of it. Of course it turned out disastrously and it seemed like the end of the world at the time, but looking back on it now, I simply consider it more good practice and a good learning experience.

After college, my practice continued in the form of job positions I've held, which all have revolved around interacting with the public. And although sometimes I would want nothing more than to revert back to my natural behavior and hide, for the most part I've become accustomed to the social interaction and I seem to have basically overcome my extreme shyness. It still makes me uncomfortable, and yes it usually is just a fake act, but I am learning everyday and opening up a little bit more all the time. I have found that doing something as simple as smiling and using a happy tone when I talk really helps me relax and feel better about myself. I have to trick my mind into thinking that I am at ease when speaking to others and eventually I will actually start to feel it.

My sister has played a huge role in helping me to overcome my antisocial behavior. It started a couple of years ago when I lived in Ephrata and would come to visit her every weekend. I would always try to convince her to just stay at home so we could play computer games together, but she wasn't having it. She forced me to go out with her and do things in public places. She told me it was time for me to leave my cave and go do fun stuff that would help me meet new people, and eventually these new places and people would become what I'm familiar and comfortable with. I owe her so much for that. I even met a wonderful guy because of her who makes me so happy, who I do feel very comfortable with to this day. He, as well, has taught me so much about interacting with people. He's really helped me come out of my shell and has shown me that there are so many different kinds of people with different points of view. But I still know that when it comes down to it, we are basically all the same.

For the longest time I wanted nothing more than to hide; to be ignored; to escape from the world and her people. But now, I feel like I wasted so much time, alone. Like I missed so much. Like I never experienced enough to know how it feels to be really alive. Now I wish I could go back and do it all over again. I would do things differently. I would give people a chance because I know there is so much good to be found in them. They have so much to offer; so much to teach, and I never even gave them a chance. I was too scared to let anybody in and in turn, I never made a difference in anyone else's life. I wish I could say that I have no regrets, but I do. And now all that's left is to keep moving forward, keep improving myself every day and keep trying to be the best sister and girlfriend and friend that I can be.

Self pity doesn't flatter me and life is too short to spend it alone.

Nature's Plants vs. Power Plants

I'm glad it's raining and I hope it continues. This country needs water to bloom, and honestly, it's time for nature to take over again. Let this land become a wild, misty rainforest. I hope the old gnarled trees stretch their limbs up to the sky to catch the falling droplets. I hope their roots soak up every last bit of moisture, giving them new life. I hope they twist and bend and grow before our eyes, reaching heights greater than even Burj Khalifa and the Sears Tower. I wish flowering vines, wet with rain, would cover up this world, climb the walls of our buildings, consume the metal and the glass with blankets of glossy leaves, push up the manhole covers and overflow into the streets. I wish the rain would just keep pouring down, replenishing the lakes and the rivers. Filling them with clean, clear water. Let it fall for weeks before the clouds give in to the sun. We need a fresh new start. And I refuse to believe in what the Farmers Almanac is saying about more of snow. It can't be true!

Wouldn't It Be Nice?

I want to experience skinny.

No, I'm not FAT, and I'm happy about that.....

Although, being "un-FAT" is not the same as being skinny.

Maybe just for a week, just to see what it feels like.....

.....please?.....I'm sure it tastes good.

Death

Your head is a spinning top.
Blindly running.
Running.
Running.
Unsurpassable wall of relentless rain bullets peppering your fragile body.
There is no escape for a wicked, twisted soul.
You'll never make it, selfish little girl.
Stunted feet won't be enough to carry you away this time.
He'll catch you.
He's gaining.
Already he smells you.
Smells the fear, tearing at your tortured mind.
Your screams of anguish, delectable.
Your blood, a more than satisfactory reward for his efforts.

Julian Beever's Sidewalk Chalk Art

These are 2 dimensional sidewalk drawings....

Faraway World

The outside world sparkles beyond the wall of glass so near to where I stand.
Warm and unreachable.
Fifteen steps to the threshold might as well be a thousand.
Caged.
The glass gives a sectioned view to the sweet, fresh freedom of the day.
Calling me.
My inside world is painted a bright, cheerful yellow, to mimic the sun.
A sun that never sets.
It's not the same.

Now, a candy apple sunset illuminates the horizon.
Foreshadowing the dusk ready to make its fade into the hemisphere.
Pulling the starry shades of night down all around.
It's obnoxiously sunny where I stand, but it doesn't fool me.
The night is calling.

Playing with Words

I don't think in full sentences, I think in fragments. That's how I am. No sooner do I begin to form a thought inside my head, than I cut myself off with another idea. Nothing is ever completed. It could have something to do with my childhood. Growing up with a mother notorious for impatiently cutting me off, so that her ideas could be voiced. No one ever got to finish a sentence when talking or arguing with her. Everyone was always screaming to try to talk over one another. So now, inside my head, there is never any closure. No punctuation other than dashes. Sometimes, it happens when I talk. Because I just let whatever is in there at the time flow out and it never makes any sense. It's all scrambled up and blasted around. Mixed in with song lyrics and sounds and pictures. I am terrible at conversation. I've never been able to teach my lips to give birth to ideas within my head. They are all shredded up and tossed around in there, like ticket stubs in a hat. That's why writing is so good for me. There is no rush. I'm not being put on the spot. I don't have to worry about being interrupted, which, even though it may not happen, throws off my concentration nonetheless. When I write, I can take the time to glue all of those little ripped-apart fragments together and rearrange them so they make sense. It's like a little puzzle. And I love puzzles. I can read and reread what I've written to make sure it's understandable. I can't do that when I'm talking. It's simply too present tense. Sometimes, when I'm done reading what I've written, I discover that there have been things flourishing in the nebulous corners of my mind that I didn't even know existed because they just now are being assembled. It's like I'm learning things that I've known all along. This has to be good. Who knows, maybe if I keep it up long enough, I'll automatically begin talking this way too. Time will tell.