So much of what I've learned over the past several years has been related to freeing myself from the bubble that I used to live in for the better portion of my young life. Until college, I had never really socialized with anyone. Just the thought of being noticed, much less speaking to anyone absolutely terrified me. Being alone in my room was my religion; my sanctuary. I was my only friend and I only knew how to exist inside of myself. Inside of my own head. I never took the time to leave that space to explore my peers or the adults in my life. And because of that, I missed so many opportunities to gain insight into the human condition, which would have helped me understand what I'm beginning to see now. That people are really not all that strange and terrifying. That we're really not all that different. I think that was what used to scare me so much about others. The thought that all they were capable of doing was judging. Specifically, judging me. That they were all above me and that I was inferior. I used to think that no one else in the world thought or felt or looked the way I do. I thought I was the only one with profound, debilitating insecurities. But I was wrong. They were all basically just the same as me, I just had a much more difficult time projecting the confidence needed to get by.
However, it was to the point, nearing the end of my high school career, that if anyone was to so much as look at me for more than a second I would have a panic attack, turn red and sink deeply into myself. My head would spin as I would try to guess what they were thinking about me. I felt that if I concentrated hard enough on disappearing, I just might. And I would have been fine with that. I always wanted to. Sometimes I got so shy and embarrassed, for example if I was being forced to speak in front of the class, I would almost black out. It would become difficult to breathe and little spots would appear in front of my eyes. It was a scary time for me. Later, with the addition of my stomach issues, it was almost unbearable to sit in those cramped little desks, surrounded by people who thought I was weird. The panic attacks would get so bad that sometimes I really thought I was going to die. I felt trapped, like there was no escape. And there really wasn't any. No where to go but to the bathroom, and I couldn't stay there forever.
School was torture. It wasn't that I didn't like who I was, (who I really was) because I knew who I was very well, having spent so much time inside myself. But I despised the person that I knew others saw when they looked at me. I looked and talked and was outwardly very different from the person I was on the inside. And there was nothing I could do to change it, no matter how hard I tried. I thought I was an undesirable person. I had never had a boyfriend. I thought everyone hated me. Although, now I know that it wasn't that they hated me, it was that I emanated self-hatred, and it was simply scaring everyone away. No one wants to be around a sullen, angry person. If I had just opened up and been who I really was inside, instead of bottling it up, people probably would have reached out to me more than they did. I might have actually made some friends. Maybe even a boyfriend. By pulling away and being so shy and introverted I was actually hurting myself by making it even harder for me to coexist with others.
My recovery process began in college. There, I was thrown into a sea of people from which there was no escape. There was no safe place to hide. No bell that freed me every afternoon at 2:47pm so I could run home to be alone. No private bedroom to sleep in. There was always someone around, and so I was forced to practice my social skills, lest I repeat my highschool nightmare all over again, which was the last thing I wanted. I tried as hard as I could to seem friendly and open and sure of myself, even though I was dying inside. All I wanted was to be alone with my computer games where no one could look at me and judge me. I wouldn't have survived college if I hadn't pretended to just be okay. I had to act like everything was fine and that I loved who I was on the outside.Suprisingly quickly, I was accepted into a group of people, who were very different from me. I had absolutely nothing in common with them, but I acted like I did. I faked it. I guess I can turn out a pretty convincing performance because it honestly seemed like they bought it. I became someone that I was not and kept up the act for a long time. And although I was living a lie, at least I was communicating and interacting with human beings (that weren't my parents). I even got a boyfriend out of it. Of course it turned out disastrously and it seemed like the end of the world at the time, but looking back on it now, I simply consider it more good practice and a good learning experience.
After college, my practice continued in the form of job positions I've held, which all have revolved around interacting with the public. And although sometimes I would want nothing more than to revert back to my natural behavior and hide, for the most part I've become accustomed to the social interaction and I seem to have basically overcome my extreme shyness. It still makes me uncomfortable, and yes it usually is just a fake act, but I am learning everyday and opening up a little bit more all the time. I have found that doing something as simple as smiling and using a happy tone when I talk really helps me relax and feel better about myself. I have to trick my mind into thinking that I am at ease when speaking to others and eventually I will actually start to feel it.
My sister has played a huge role in helping me to overcome my antisocial behavior. It started a couple of years ago when I lived in Ephrata and would come to visit her every weekend. I would always try to convince her to just stay at home so we could play computer games together, but she wasn't having it. She forced me to go out with her and do things in public places. She told me it was time for me to leave my cave and go do fun stuff that would help me meet new people, and eventually these new places and people would become what I'm familiar and comfortable with. I owe her so much for that. I even met a wonderful guy because of her who makes me so happy, who I do feel very comfortable with to this day. He, as well, has taught me so much about interacting with people. He's really helped me come out of my shell and has shown me that there are so many different kinds of people with different points of view. But I still know that when it comes down to it, we are basically all the same.
For the longest time I wanted nothing more than to hide; to be ignored; to escape from the world and her people. But now, I feel like I wasted so much time, alone. Like I missed so much. Like I never experienced enough to know how it feels to be really alive. Now I wish I could go back and do it all over again. I would do things differently. I would give people a chance because I know there is so much good to be found in them. They have so much to offer; so much to teach, and I never even gave them a chance. I was too scared to let anybody in and in turn, I never made a difference in anyone else's life. I wish I could say that I have no regrets, but I do. And now all that's left is to keep moving forward, keep improving myself every day and keep trying to be the best sister and girlfriend and friend that I can be.
Self pity doesn't flatter me and life is too short to spend it alone.
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